[New Update]: WIBTAH if I stop all of the favors I’ve been doing for my ex since he has refused the one favor I asked?

**I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Life_of_the_PartyXO** **Originally posted to r/AITAH** **Previous BoRUs:** [#1](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/YNraGzJksW) **[New Update]: WIBTAH if I stop all of the favors I’ve been doing for my ex since he has refused the one favor I asked?** **NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH** ---- **Editor’s note: removed relevant comments from older posts for space in this latest BoRU** **Trigger Warnings:** >!manipulation, possibly mild exploitation!< **Mood Spoilers:** >!infuriating!< ---- **RECAP** [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/SNWw202lHt): **August 12, 2025** This is kind of sweaty, but my (30f) ex-husband Greg (38m) and I have two kids - Louisa (9) and Ted (7). We divorced over 5 years ago and coparent very well, the divorce was because I was happy with our two children but he wanted more, and even therapy didn't help. We have had basically no issues, there's no child support (we're 50/50), have never had issues having the kids if the other parent has something come up, and understand that it's just about making sure their lives aren't too disrupted. Greg remarried Tessie (38f) four years ago and they have another child, a boy, and another about to make their appearance in this world in a few weeks. I am marrying my fiance Luke (36m) in February, we've been together for about 3 years and he's known my kids for 2, we moved in together last year. We have a group chat, but aren't overly friendly or anything - we only talk about the kids and keep it pretty lighthearted. Our only 'rules' with the other datings is that we would introduce our partners to the other before they met the kids, which went great with both of them. When Tessie and Greg married, I obviously kept the kids an extra week for their honeymoon, and again for my actual week so they could settle in (they didn't live together before they got married). When they had their first baby, I kept our kiddos for about a month (but brought them over a few times to see their new brother obviously) so they could settle in since it was Tessie's first baby. A few weeks ago at one of Lacie's games, Tessie told me the date her c-section was scheduled for, which is in the middle of their custody week. I told her we were excited for them and of course I could keep them that week and my following week, and we could go back to normal their next custody period. She kind of hemmed and hawed and asked if we could keep them for another custody week to give them a month again to get used to things. I said that was fine, I didn't expect them to need that much time for their second baby, but C-sections are major surgeries and I said I'd be happy to keep the kid, they don't live far from us so bringing them over to hang out won't be too out of my way and of course I love having my kids with me. Anyhoo, we've finalized our plan for our honeymoon, which is 3 weeks. I know it seems excessive but it's something on both of our bucket lists, but not something the kids would be too interested in, and the honeymoon seems like the best opportunity to do it. Basically what would happen would be that we'd get married on Saturday (my week), the kids would stay with Greg that night and stay for his week, then they would keep them for our week and their next week. So they'd have them for one of my custody weeks plus one extra evening. I don't have family around, my parents died young, grandparents before them, and the aunt and uncle who helped raise me retired to New Mexico (3 hour plan ride + 2 hour drive at min). I have friends who have watched the kids before, but I didn't see a single issue with asking Greg to keep them for a week since it seems like there's a bit of precedent. I texted him the general plan and emailed him a more detailed one with locations, days, times etc so he could know where we were/ how to contact us if there was an issue. I thought all was well and good, but they never responded until a few days later they emailed me what Luke and I jokingly now refer to as The Manifesto. It was long, rambling, repetitive, and still somehow partially written by ChatGPT. The gist of it was: \- what kind of mother on a three week vacation without her kids \- I'm a terrible person in general for asking a young mother to have her stepkids full-time for three weeks while I go and enjoy myself (they/ she kept calling Tessie a young mother, I think she means mother of young kids and I know it's not the point but it kept annoying me. also it wouldn't be alone with her - Greg would obviously be there) \- I am a horrible coparent for asking them to have the kids for three straight weeks while their kids are so young (their newest baby will be 6 months old by then btw) \- Apparently it's all well and fine that Luke and I don't want anymore kids (he has had a vasectomy and known he didn't want kids of his own for a while), but we'd better not think that gives us permission to 'dump' Louisa and Ted on them to galivant around (I don't think I've ever galivanted in my entire life!) \- We needed to figure our own weeks out ourselves, this was not life or death and it was ridiculous to ask them. I got petty after this, especially them acting as if we are constantly 'dumping' the kiddos on them, so I went through the last four years of texts and made a spreadsheet of how many times either of us has asked the other to keep the kids and the duration on an excel sheet. While we both have made these requests, they have done so for 87 nights (52 times) vs me 12 nights (8 times). Obviously, this makes sense since they have a baby, and I didn't send it to them or anything, but it was good to know I'm not crazy. My friends say I should tell them that, fine, I won't keep them during their custody time after their new baby comes. I'm not going to do that. I love my kids and want to see them as much as I can! But I do a lot extra for them, just some examples: \- I (sometimes Luke if he's off work) pick the kids up every single day after school, and on Greg's custody weeks I drop them off at their house since he doesn't get off until 5 so that Tessie doesn't have to take the baby out to pick them up (keep in mind that she does not work anymore) \- Our divorce decree says that whoever's week it is must drop the kids off at the other parent's house, but I've been doing all of the back and forth for a while again because they have a kid and because it's not THAT far (5 minute drive, 20 minute walk if it's nice). \- I take the kids to all of their appointments, do all of the school parent stuff during the day, etc since I have a super flexible schedule and Greg's isn't, he would need to use PTO for all of this stuff. \- We usually split health insurance per the divorce decree, they're on his work's insurance but since I take them to all of their appointments etc I pay all of the copays. I keep a tally just in case I would end up owing him money (and I know what he pays towards the premiums), and in the past it was minimal, but our daughter unfortunately has Type 1 diabetes which has gotten pretty expensive. It wasn't killing me, but Greg mentioned how tight money was once when I was bringing it up and I decided that it's not affecting my life, our daughter needed it, so I've been letting it go. \- Their son has been in the process of being diagnosed with autism, and has pretty bad meltdowns (this is all I know from Greg), so they call me pretty frequently to see if I can come and get the kids for a few hours if things are overwhelming. Of course I love my kids and spending time with them, but I've had to cancel plans for this and they have not cared. Greg was in an accident and has been using my old car (I got a new one and hadn't sold the old one yet, it's not worth a ton or anything) for the past 7 months, with no effort to replace it. \- Greg travels sometimes for work, and they (greg and the kids) have a cat over there. Normally Louisa would take care of the litter box if Greg was travelling, but since her diagnoses and until we get her labs/ health under some form of control, we BOTH agreed that we don't want her messing with it (they let the cat go outside during the day). Since Tessie has been pregnant she said she shouldn't have to, and Ted is a little young (he tried, failed, now he 'helps' lol), so I've been doing it. Anyways, these are all benefits for them that I'm going to inform them are ending. I won't go back on my word to have the kiddos after she has her c-section, but the absolute gall of them to not do the one thing that I have asked of them (and that I've done for them!) have brought me to this. Most of my friends say I'm not going far enough, but a few have said that it might cause a breakdown in our coparenting relationship, which would affect the kids. That's really the only thing I care about, so now I'm hesitant. **AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA**   [Update #1](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/y5x9jdATm1): **August 15, 2025 (three days later)** Update: WIBTAH if I stop doing all favors for my ex since he refused to do one for me? Hey everyone I don't know how to link on mobile so my last post is in my profile. I got way too overwhelmed with the responses but like I thought, I was completely being taken advantage of and the friends telling me to let it go can suck it. (JK I know where they were coming from they were just wrong and my egg Greg and Tessie do need to be introduced to my good friend Reality). One thing I didn't mention in my last post is that Greg and I have a long history, I've known him forever since we moved to his mom's neighborhood when I was 4, we were always friendly and then we started hooking up when I was in college and got pregnant. In his defense, he 100% stood up, married me, took care of us, paid for everything while I finished school, and even paid for my college. But even before all that, he's always been a great guy and my friend, I know it seems like I was being taken advantage of but of course over the years people probably thought I was taking advantage of him before I started making the big bucks. It was me who filed for divorce, he said he could probably go to therapy and find a way to make it work but I knew I couldn't ask him to do that. And there has been reciprocity in other ways, after we divorced he definitely helped me a lot in setting up my new home (before Luke and I got together). Doing things like mowing, cleaning the gutters, fixing appliances. Obviously those things don't happen anymore, but I'm just saying it hasn't always been me doing everything. Finally, all of this has NOT been thankless. Up until The Manifesto, they were incredibly and vocally grateful and appreciative. Doing things for appreciative people is great and makes me feel good, unfortunately now that we are living in the Post Manifesto Era, I don't get any joy from helping them out like I used to. With all that being said, I can't continue bending over backwards for him just because he was good to me before. Anyways I got pretty mad at myself at my last post and decided to respond to The Manifesto, as I was hyping myself up though Greg called. I was pretty amped so I decided to answer. He started with apologizing. He didn't say it directly, but I got the gist that Tessie wrote the email in anger because of how overwhelming everything is. He reminded me that it wasn't just his son's issues, Louisa was also struggling to get her diabetes under control (any other type 1 parents can probably relate), and she misread my email to think that I was asking for them to keep them for 3 of my custody periods for a total of 6 weeks. Going back to The Manifesto I can kind of see where she was saying that, but it wasn't the most coherent thing to begin with. He said one week for our honeymoon is totally fine and they will figure it out. He acknowledged that it was entirely inappropriate and uncalled for. Unluckily for him I was not in the best mood and told him damn straight it was one of the most deranged and untrue emails I've ever read. I asked him if anything they wrote in the email rang true to him in the cold light of day and he admitted no. I had kind of been going back and forth on this, and was originally going to tell him to go to hell and we would never switch custody times again, I didn't care if they had 5 more kids with c-sections, but I decided against going that far. I told him that I would get the kids when Tessie had her C-Section, keep them through my custody, and would expect them to have them back during his next custody period - which still gave them 10 days to recover etc. If he needed more help, I expected him to figure out any extra childcare for our kids like he will need to with his other son. He started arguing but I just bulldozed through and told him that he could make this and all of the other times I've helped him out with childcare by watching the kids during my week during my honeymoon. He said that sounded fair and thanked me. But I told him that the email was so far out of line that that any and all extras I've been doing were over immediately. He could either find a new carpool (no bus, private school) or I would keep picking the kids up from school but he or Tessie could get them from my home during their weeks. If they are unable to care for the children due to their son's meltdowns or their new baby, I would be willing to help them, but warned them that due to their accusations I would *start* (LOL) tracking this and if I thought it was becoming an issue I would file for primary custody. I asked him if that would help, he could have the kids every other weekend, I wouldn't demand child support in light of his very difficult situation (even though I know I could) and he insisted that wasn't necessary, that it was on them to figure things out. He really didn't have a lot to say back to any of this and apologized again. I told him that it wasn't impossible to rebuild the trust we have had in the past, but it was going to take a lot of time and hard work on his and his wife's part because I was done putting in so much just to get attacked. He promised he understood and he'd figure everything else out. I told him that since this was another verbal (aka not legally binding) agreement, the first time either of them slips up, makes outrageous demands, or says anything remotely close to what she wrote in that email, I would bring down the hammer because due to the attacks on my character I now had a lawyer on retainer (hadn't met with the lawyer yet but sometimes you need to bluff). He confirmed he understood. Tessie sent me a text apology, it seemed sincere but I don't trust her. I know Greg wouldn't throw her under the bus, but the fact that she thought it was ok to send such a demeaning and demonizing email to me after all I've done for her really ruined any grace I was willing to give her. I sent her a short acknowledgement text, and went on with my day. Both their lives are about to get much, much more difficult. If they try to put any of that discomfort or difficulties on my kids I will move swiftly, but also if it means that my kids get a little less at their dads house than they do here, that's not the worst lesson for them. Their needs will always be met, I know that, and they've been in therapy for a while so while I'm concerned that Tessie could take her frustrations out on them, I truly think they would tell me. I read so many other stories on here and realized that Two things: So the thing with the car - it's meant for my friend's stepdaughter for when she gets her permit. She is 15, and we all love her so much but she has that disease that 15 year olds get where she really doesn't have any motivation whatsoever. So I was talking about all this to said friend, she told her husband, and he marched upstairs and told his daughter to get dressed so she could go and take her permit test. She failed :) but is going to try again next week, and he is purchasing the car next week - Greg knows and knows he has until then to acquire a new one. And the cat isn't Tessie's cat. It was Greg's guilty divorced dad first Christmas gift lol. I really like the cat, she's very sweet and snuggly and I haven't minded helping especially since Louisa does feel bad she doesn't do it anymore. Honestly if it wasn't for that I probably wouldn't have agreed to help! Luckily the induction is soon, and Greg won't be travelling for a while, so its a moot point. Obviously if they were to decide to get pregnant again, they would need to hire someone to do the litter box going forward. I've probably only done it three times, but I see that was crossing some boundaries I should have put up. I'm going to keep enjoying the life that I've worked hard to build - I know they'll always be around and in my life, and it's unfortunate for them that the choices they made got them in this situation, but they're going to have to rebuild their village. I'm excited for the wedding and especially excited to go to Japan! Those things and of course my kiddos are my focus going forward. Peace!   [Ex’s new son has autism - what are the right boundaries?](https://www.reddit.com/r/coparenting/s/UxfX9R0Vt5): **August 16, 2025 (next day)** So my ex and I had some recent issues to say the least, and I’m completely pulling back any favors that I used to do. It’s deserved on his and his wife’s end, but it is going to hurt them. They have a little boy who’s 3-4ish, and it seems profoundly autistic (still not speaking, has meltdowns, self-injures). In the past, since I live close, if their son was having a very-severe meltdown and my kids were there they’d ask me to come and get them and I usually would. Unfortunately, they have behaved badly and I will no longer be doing this. They’re also about to have another baby, which I’m sure will be stressful as well, so I understand it will be difficult. I obviously don’t want my kids to have to deal with anything traumatic, the little boy is still their brother and they do love him. And I think it’s important for them to have the time with their father and his family. That being said, I obviously want what’s best for my kids. How to I help them remain positive while also protecting them?   ---- #----NEW UPDATE---- [Update #2](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/Vbp9ahGQp6): **October 15, 2025 (two months later)** **Update: aitah for not wanting to do any more favors for my ex?** I posted before about stopping doing any favors for my (30f) ex Greg 38m and his wife Tessie 38 after she sent me an unhinged email after I asked them to keep Greg and my kids (7 and 9) for one of my custody weeks while I go on my honeymoon with my fiancé Luke. lol hey hope you’re all doing well. Just another day in paradise over here. I’m mostly joking, things have been good. Greg and Tessie had another little boy like a month ago. I did take the kids for one of their custody weeks. Tessie is still mad at me though and sent me this whole long text the week before telling me that when I brought the kids to the hospital to see the baby she didn’t want me bringing them up and they’d just have to figure out how to get upstairs themselves because Greg would be busy but I’d need to stay and not leave because she didn’t know how long they could be there. I was just like… okay? I know with their last kid they specifically invited me in to meet the baby but that’s not a big deal to me i know this sounds bad but I really don’t like babies lol. But then it made me be like, I don’t need to be at the woman’s beck and call so I just had Greg’s mom take the kids to meet the baby which was apparently NOT the right call and I got in trouble for lol. I also have stopped the group chat thing and am only communicating with Greg. Yes Tessie still contacts me but I don’t respond or acknowledge them unless it’s directly about the kids. But otherwise I’ve just not let their drama affect us. I dont bring these things up but they basically told Luke that when their brother has a meltdown they just hang out up or downstairs and it’s not that big of a deal to them. But they like when I come and pick them up those little shits ahaha. And they didn’t tell him this in confidence just randomly so I told them they were not being good siblings and they could always call me but that was their family too. So I don’t even feel bad about not picking them up anytime they ask. But sometimes I still do. But now I’m in a weird place because obviously I was invited to their wedding and everything but I don’t think I should invite them to ours? Lol i mean obviously not right? We have a lot of mutual friends and apparently she told one of them that if I kept this up (this being not doing whatever they say) that they’d file for child support and the only reason they hadn’t before was because I was helpful. Like good freaking luck with that guys. But when the mutual friend mentioned our wedding - in neutral terms but she’s doing something for it - apparently they acted like they’d be going. So I probably need to figure that whole thing out because they must be smoking crack or something lol. Ignoring / not helping them with things was pretty hard for me at first. Maybe I was a bit of a people pleaser, but not caring what they think about me has helped a lot with that. I just wanted a good childhood for my kids, but I can only control that over here. Sorry if I missed anything, was bored at lunch and thought I’d update. Have a great day! **Relevant Comments** **Commenter 1:** Don’t invite them. They will cause drama. Quit doing stuff for them too. If you have 50/50 custody, good luck with them getting any child support. > **OOP:** I do make quite a bit more than he does so he could be awarded child support. It’s just that those two chose for her to quit working AND I have the kids more than half the time in reality that pisses me off. **Commenter 2:** Why are you telling your kids they are not good siblings because they go upstairs when their brother has a meltdown? There is nothing wrong with that. Definitely don't invite them to the wedding, are you nuts? Did they agree to help you out on your honeymoon? > **OOP:** That’s not what I said. I told them they shouldn’t tell me to come and get them just because they prefer being over here and using it as an excuse. He’s their brother. They did agree to that but I have backup in case they try something while I’m across the world **Commenter 3:** Tell your ex that they are not invited because the relationship is no longer healthy and you will strictly co-parent with him but not have a friendship as it is now toxic. Then continue to ice them out. Mutual friends will understand if they are actually friends. It isn’t healthy for the kids to see this dynamic with their step mom. Don’t ruin your wedding because you think it might be awkward if they don’t get invited > **OOP:** Oh they’re not coming and I have no idea why they think I’d invite them after everything. I might just ignore it. **Commenter 4:** If you haven't already done so, create a document that shows which day you've had the kids and maintain it going forward. If they take you to court, hire an attorney and ask to have the custody officially changed to match the history of overnight visits. Also, ask for reimbursement of expenses that should have been shared (medical bills, extracurricular activities, etc...). Also, ask your lawyer if it would be possible to ask for support for college. In many US states, that's increasingly common. Basically, if you get served and have to go to court, try to get as many things solved at once as possible. Make the lawyer's bills worthwhile. > **OOP:** Girl I have an entire spreadsheet. I’m not hiring a lawyer unless I really have to. > > > > **Commenter 5:** Because he chose not to have his wife work and you make more money than them does not automatically mean that they are going to get child support. You may not want to hire a lawyer, but if that’s something that they pursue, you would be better off spending the money to hire a lawyer, especially if you can prove that you have the children more than 50% of the time and are constantly being called in because they need assistance. Better to consult with a lawyer before you need one and be prepared to go that route if necessary then to just miss the possibility. > >> > >> **OOP:** Her not working wont affect child support, it’s only his income. **Commenter 6:** Just FYI, not hiring a lawyer can definitely cost you a lot more money in the end. Good job with the spreadsheet. > **OOP:** I’m not disagreeing with you, but i have my own reasons for believing that they’ll never get around to actually trying to file for child support. Like neither of them have the executive function if their lives were going well and between a new baby and a pretty severely disabled kid I am pretty confident that I don’t have anything to worry about there. > > If I’m wrong I’ll come back and update so you all can tell me I told you so! **Commenter 7:** Make sure you have a backup plan for your honeymoon because that entitled woman is going to back out of having the kids at the last minute to punish you > **OOP:** I do 😊 we’ll be in Japan and I could see her doing that after all her bs lately, and don’t want to stress about it. **Are OOP's kids in therapy?** > **OOP:** Kids are in therapy. I do allow them to vent to me, I just draw the line at “we would rather be at moms because he annoys us so let’s ask to go to her house”. I’m not going to have kids who grow into teenagers who think they can just stay at whatever house is owned by the parent they are the least mad at ahah.   **DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7** **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP**