Me [21 F] with my ex [23M] 4 years ago broke up, he feels I cheated on him with my current boyfriend

**I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Throwawaytriangle01** **Me [21 F] with my ex [23M] 4 years ago broke up, he feels I cheated on him with my current boyfriend** **TRIGGER WARNING:** >!sexual assault, Abusive behavior, controlling behavior, stalking, alcoholism, threats of kidnapping, murder and torture!< **MOOD SPOILER:** >!Terrifying!< [Original Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/DWPHofKmHV) **Nov 8, 2015** **Background**: Okay so when I was in high school I was friends with this guy named... Alex. We met through mutual group of friends. At first I thought he hated me my freshman year (when we first met we were hanging out with everyone, he said something mean to me but he meant it as a joke, I took him serious), but turned out he didn't. Became very close friends after that. While I dated a bit in high school, I was his first (and only) girlfriend during his high school career. Things were great when we were in that "dating but not together" phase because he actually hung out with me and we went on dates. Once we were ACTUALLY together, he would bail on our plans. I mean like we made plans all week to a movie we were both excited for, I bought early tickets for us because it was one of those "it's gonna sell out" ones, he cancelled last minute because his friends called him and asked if he wanted to go bowling with him. I took my best friend instead (since she loved that series too). That kept happening. Then there were little comments about my body, and explosions of anger (not physical) that were just really not healthy for me to experience from him. I was brutally attacked in many senses of the word when I was walking home from school. He knew about that, and understood originally that I was uncomfortable with sex - also being underage (thereby unable to handle a pregnancy should it happen) I was uncomfortable with it because of that too. I could hold hands with him, and kiss him. But sometimes he got too handsy and it gave me flashbacks. I would often talk to friends seeking advice because he kept wanting to have sex and I was unable to do that at all especially after my attack. They kept telling me he understands and he would be okay never having sex, because he loves me (ah high school and the "we'll get married and grow old together" phase). Didn't believe them. Felt broken like I was damaged. Never felt like he understood because he KEPT asking for it, even after I was crying and telling him I can't and please just drop it and I will let him know if/when I am ready. He eventually does, but then never hangs out with me / goes on dates with me for the rest of our relationship. It's just midnight 1am phone calls of "Just got done hanging out with people. I could come over now" (ON A SCHOOL NIGHT? My christian parents would fucking kill me....and that is not a joke. I mean that in all seriousness) The breakup: SO CHRISTMAS. Parents are starting to not like him, because they've been seeing basically how he treats me, and my sister told them about the late night phone attempts of him trying to get me to come over / let him come over. Also, a concerned friend told him about him pressuring me and that concerned my mother, fearing I'm being abused (probably was). But hey, they invite him to Christmas anyways because I was still dating him. Our parties tend to go long. It starts after church so around 8pm Christmas Eve and ends usually sometime after midnight and one am. He shows up at midnight. Most of the party has wound down, all the gifts are opened. some people left. But there was an attempt made. To put it short: he made fun of my gift to him until I was in tears, hit on my sister in front of her husband while telling him he "hopes me and him are just like them one day". Its a giant disaster. I'm crying, my sister is comforting me, my mom is fucking stunned he had the audacity to do this, my dad practically throws him out while my brother restrains my brother-in-law from attacking him. Family basically tells him its over between us and to never contact me again because like WOW WHAT THE FUCK? He doesn't listen because I didn't say it to him so he won't believe till I do. I do. He accepts it. Given we have the same group of friends, we run into each other now and then. I don't really talk to him but eh we cross paths. And from those times, and the times friends brought him up, he has dated solely women who have the same name as me. Which is a tad creepy in my mind (also my name isn't that common so it's not really much of a coincidence in my mind, but maybe it is). One of which looked like me because i met her before they dated and we joked that we were clones. Eight months after our breakup, I meet this guy, Jacob, who is pretty fucking sweet at the college I started to go to. I mean like there was blizzard and I having a panic attack, and he still drove over to talk to me and help me (although bro WTF? its a BLIZZARD that was DANGEROUS) He buys flowers at random, we go out all the time - but usually its to go for a run through the forest, a walk through a local park, swimming, or bowling. Listens to me. I explained fairly early on about my attack and how I have issues about it so he was going to pressure me for sex, he might as well leave now. He told me I could call the shots in the relationship, decide how slow or fast we go, and I can put a stop to anything when I feel its too much. True to his word too. There have been times when it is too much and I tell him that, no matter how heated it had gotten, he just nods, and gets up and makes me a cup of tea and helps me calm down. He is CONSTANTLY there for me and respects me and I don't know, I just in general feel loved by him that I did not feel from Alex for a long time. **Now**: I feel 100% safe with him. I trust him. I love him. He is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. We've been together since. I felt comfortable enough that I eventually felt I was ready to have sex, so we did this past month. It was amazing, nothing like before. It was just... perfect and even if we were to break up in the future, I will always cherish and love him for being so sweet and helping me replace terrible memories with good ones. So then a friend tells me that Alex HATES me now. I'm puzzled because what? What have I done to make him hate me? Especially since therapy and Jacob have both taught that Alex was pretty fucking shitty and if anyone were to hate anyone, it should be the reverse. I asked them and they have no idea why just that he was telling everyone on his facebook what a bitch i was (i blocked him a long time ago so i can't see that). Another friends tells me, its because, he says I cheated on him, with my current boyfriend. I'm puzzled because how? I didn't meet Jacob till 8 months after Alex and I broke up? I find out that he knows Jacob and I had sex, and he feels betrayed because I refused to sleep with him and that I clearly cheated on him (we've been broke up for 3 years???). Now i'm confused as to how the fuck he knows I slept with Jacob, because I told VERY few (I mean like 2) people about it and that just because they're my best friends and I was so damned surprised that it could be this great - as opposed to the horrific experience I had before- that I was like "IS THIS HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO BE?" "IS THIS HOW YOU FEEL?" and they just laughed it off. I ask both of them if they told him and why. Both mention he actually approached them - and others - asking if I told them anything about me sleeping with Jacob and that he wanted truth or he'd never talk to them again. And they responded truthfully that it was none of his damn business, and while they might be friends, he has no right to issue them that kind of ultimatum. Eventually, I find out that how he knows... I have PTSD blog where I talk about my experience and whatnot. Honestly, my name is not attached to it all, no images either. Not sure how he knew it was me but he apparently has been stalking that blog reading everything I wrote and found out from there because I mentioned my two experiences with sex and how vastly different they are and like damn there is hope out there after all that I am not damaged and broken. I don't know if I'm necessarily looking for advice. I mean I don't know what to do about the ex, do I just ignore him, do I delete my PTSD blog, do I confront him or anything? Do the police need to be involved since he's stalking me on the internet? But I mostly wrote this because I think its absurd that I broke up with someone 3 years ago and they think that I cheated because I am with someone else. So I was just having a "WTF?" moment and decided perhaps you might share in this absurd moment. **tl;dr**: Ex was a high school friend. Started dating, he turned into a dick, made me cry on Christmas. Broke up 4 years ago. Met someone else. Life is bliss. Finally slept with boyfriend. Ex found out via stalking me online, thinks I'm a cheater for it. [Update 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/T5HVu5TMWY) **Nov 20, 2015** So quite a bit has happened actually. * I've had two sessions with my therapist, we talked a lot about this problem, my feelings about it, why I care, etc. Made lots of headway. Been doing a lot of positive affirmations to counter the internalizing what people say. * And then we addressed the privacy issue, and how it made me feel when he violated it, especially when we haven't spoken in 4 years. * Did as one person suggested of backing up and reformatting computer. Had to have help with it from the IT at my school. * Changed all my passwords (used my boyfriend's computer). Later got notifications from FB, another website, and my email that someone tried to enter my account so that was interesting. * Created a new blog using a new email and deleted the one he had accessed. * As far as the suggestion to carry pepper spray, I always do as well as a few other self defense tools - that my parents require I practice often with. * Told all my friends not to talk to me about Alex unless he is threatening me. They agreed to that. Life was quiet for a bit, spent a lot of time with Jacob and not giving attention to the shit Alex says or does, focused on school. Then tuesday a friend tells me that he's been writing cryptically on facebook about me. She told me it was things like "I hope throwawaytriangle's father's birthday (today) is eventful" "It'd be a shame if anyone got hurt on the 19th." "I wonder if her training is still good" (though nameless, pretty sure "her" is me. And training is referring to my self-dense training). I'm not really sure if that's a threat (in the eyes of the law) or not. She said she has screenshots of it in case I needed them or something, but hasn't sent them to me yet. I don't have classes today and since today is my dad's birthday, I drove the five hours to go home today to spend it with them. My dad gets off work at 4, but my brother comes home around 2 and he saw a box sitting outside - not a mailed packaged, just a gift box like someone dropped it off. I had already told my parents about the veiled threats so he was suspicious, and opened it. It had a small note suggesting that my dad "live it up" on his birthday was several bottles with cheap whiskey. He immediately took it inside and hid it in his room so my dad wouldn't see it and waited for me to come to tell me. He is also waiting for my mom to come home to tell her about it. **Context:** My dad is recovered alcoholic and has been for five years. He is black out violent when he's drunk to the point he attempted to murder everyone the last time he drank which resulted in my mom running away with us to another state (her cousin's house) and calling him to tell him to get help or he will see divorce papers in a week. He binged a bit more out of depression that he 'lost his family' and couldn't find us and 'why would we make up these lies' (he honestly didn't remember nearly murdering us). He never believed he was capable of such things when we'd tell when he was sober, but my brother recorded it the last time and sent it to him which he saw after two days. He immediately checked himself into rehab and has said he has never been tempted to drink since. As he puts it "I was not a good man when I drank, I hurt people I loved, and I don't want to want ever be that person again." Really great father since he got help. And we all went to Al-anon, as well as a lot of meetings with counselors and group meetings at school because they required it once it became aware of what happened. I love my father, I'm glad he got help and that we all got therapy and counseling about that. But we all are aware should he relapse, we're probably not making it out alive. All my friends know what happened. (and teachers considering I had to go to the counselors office who had told all my teachers the situation on why I had noticeable injuries, no backpack, no homework, no writing utensils, and why I'm wearing the same clothes that I wore on Friday. Some were sympathetic, some told me to tell my mom to leave anyways, and some told me too bad I should have done my homework anyways. Point is lots of people know about this). So my dad not drinking is not a secret. Him being murderous when he drinks is not a secret. I was dating Alex when it all went down so he saw a lot of the aftermath. SO ITS INCREDIBLY FUCKED UP THAT SOMEONE SENT MY DAD ALCOHOL ON HIS BIRTHDAY. And I'm willing to put down money that it's Alex. I just don't have proof it was him and I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I don't have anything concrete on Alex, because I can't prove that it was him who sent that, and one of my dad's friend who is a cop said he didn't *really* threaten me so they can't do anything (my dad asked him about it before today) and its not *really* harassment if I never told him to leave me alone. And that makes me feel like I'm just overreacting, when it definitely doesn't sit well with me. **tl;dr**: Thinly veiled threats online by Alex talking about today. Someone (Alex) left a package for my recovered dad, probably hoping he'd get drunk and murder me. Brother saw it first, grabbed it and hid it. Told me. Waiting for mom to come home to tell her. Not sure what to do about this. edit: mom came home, we told her. She's gonna call her lawyer tomorrow. Scolded my brother for opening the box. If anything else shows up, than everyone will call the police instead of opening it. Told dad, he's hurt someone would purposefully do something like, but ...also pissed. **RELEVANT COMMENTS** **PhutuqKusi** > I say this as a recovering alcoholic. What he did was messed up for sure, but there probably isn't much you can do legally. I think you should tell your dad, so that he is aware of the overall situation. I'm willing to bet that even if he'd been the one who opened the package, it would not have tempted him to drink, much less become violent. While this certainly seems like an attack on your dad, it's really a message to you. > > Reading your original post and seeing how this seems to be escalating, Alex is firmly headed in stalker territory. Given that, I would keep a log of every single detail and also contact the police, both in your hometown and your current town. While there may not be anything you can do about this incident, it can't hurt to keep a record of events, in case it continues to escalate. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. **OOP** >> Oh trust me, I know it was a message to me, and not an attack on my dad. He was just trying to use my dad as a tool to get to me. And he should have left my dad out of it. >> >> That being said, I'm as confident as you are that it wouldn't have tempted him to drink - also my dad *hated* whiskey when he did drink, said it always messed up his stomach which he always felt like might be a genetic thing since all his family would sick if they had whiskey as well - and that he has said anytime the subject is brought up that he really doesn't want to drink (he also has that One Day at a Time book they gave in rehab that he reads every day to help) so I know he wouldn't have immediately started drinking just because he saw a bottle. It just pisses me off that someone thought that he would. And to blatantly try to get him to by giving him alcohol. I have faith in my dad's willpower and progress, and it upsets me so much someone wanted to try to mess with that. And it upsets me too that there probably isn't anything I can do about it legally. >> >> My brother hid it because we don't keep alcohol in the house (we felt it made it easier on my dad) and he didn't want to throw it away in case we needed it for legal reasons, and he didn't want to upset my dad by telling him someone wanted to trigger him into drinking - because we'd imagine it would hurt my dad to know someone wanted to try to get him to harm his family. >> >> We probably will tell my dad about it, but we want to talk to my mom about it first. >> >> I will keep a log of everything. >> >> Edit: Oh and congrats on recovering. May your progress be smooth. **~** **MisterPuck** > I'm not exactly sure what there requirements are (if any) to get a restraining order against someone, but I would look into that, since as you said: > one of my dad's friend who is a cop said he didn't really threaten me so they can't do anything (my dad asked him about it before today) and its not really harassment if I never told him to leave me alone. > > Also, as fucked up as it was to send alcohol to your father, given the circumstances, one additional concern you should be aware of is that the whiskey could have been tampered with. In other words, it could have been poisoned. Even if the bottles look sealed, it's a possibility, though I admit it's an unlikely one. > > Not that I'm concerned anyone in your family will drink it mind you, but down the line it'd be best to open them up and dump it all out. Assuming, that is, that the police never take the package as evidence. **OOP** >> requirements for a restraining order where I'm at are: >> >> 1. 2 separate instances harassment, threat to harm - but can't be property-, or domestic violence. (Harassment being: creating a disturbance, or repeatedly telephoning, at place of employment or school; repeatedly following in a public place or places; repeatedly keeping victim under surveillance by remaining present outside his or her home, school, or place of employment; or threatening physical force, confinement or restraint on one or more occasions.) >> >> 2. There is objective evidence >> >> 3. "reasonable cause to believe" domestic violence will occur. >> >>Edit: BUT my mom is going to talk to her lawyer about a different order they have which has slightly less requirements (like it can be one instance instead of 2, there doesn't need to be objective evidence, and talks about cyber stuff instead of just what happens in person) but that one you need to pay for - which we're totally willing to pay. [Update 2 - wayback machine](https://web.archive.org/web/20151204145512/https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3velvk/update_2_me_21_f_with_my_ex_23m_4_years_ago_broke/) **Dec 4, 2015** Hey guys its your friendly, neighborhood user with the crazy ex. I didn't think I'd give you an update so soon, and I'm not sure if you did either but alas one is here! So quite a bit has happened and I'm not sure how much to go into detail but here's basically what happened... Mom contacted a lawyer. We were in a process of getting something that is similar to a protection against stalker order. or something along the lines, she wasn't that clear with me about the title of the order, just what it does. She also marched down to the station and demanded they do something about it at the moment. I can't tell you what she said because I wasn't there but she got stuff done and made sure they were going to keep a file about this, in case it escalates. Also, they basically went and told him to cease what he is doing. THEN: an envelope appears in our mailbox (used the actual postal service this time). Weren't expecting anything to come in the mail so we are suspicious and called the police. Apparently it contained photographs of dead animals. Not just like "oh i can pretend they're sleeping" but like someone mutilated squirrels and racoons and took photos of it. Can't confirm if he did it himself or got it off the internet. Also, never saw the photographs, Cop!Friend just told us what it contained, never showed it to us. Well, Cop goes to the post office, asks them their surveillance cameras. He's gonna see if Alex brought it here. While he's combing through a hours of video we're kind of freaking out because the hell does these photographs mean? He's gonna kill our dog? He's gonna kill us? WHO KNOWS. Dog was kept inside for the rest of this ordeal. I'm just still in shock... He is 31 flavors of fucked up. Jake comes to visit because he heard and was like that's messed up, and wanted to be there for moral and physical support. Basically told by parents, Jake, and Police I wasn't allowed to go anywhere alone because clearly this is getting really messed up. THEN. FRIENDS. they let me know that he's posted some stuff on facebook about how it'd be a shame if something were to happen to me. And that maybe something will soon. That I'm better off dead and a bunch of other creepy things that ever unnerving but never directly were like "yeah I'm gonna kill her." They sent those screenshots to me (and previous ones) we bring them to police station who are like okay this is all actually adding to stuff we can use all this. And mom, meanwhile, is like let me kill him, it doesn't have to be known that you looked the other way. Cop Friend is like hahaa very funny. I can't tell you if mom was kidding....probably not. And he continues to comb through footage. THEN. ALEX'S CURRENT GIRLFRIEND shows up in the picture. Apparently they had a huge fight because 1. she realized he is not over me probably never will be and will probably never love her 2. He is straight up planning on kidnapping, torturing, and murdering me and him. She originally thought his statuses were just venting. But then I guess he said something that made her realize the fifty shades of crazy he is and she confronted him and he was told her if he couldn't have me, no one will. He waited four years for me to realized I messed up and he deserved me. and to find I betrayed him like that was not okay. But it'll be okay because he'll fix it by making sure we will be together for eternity. And talked about his plan to kidnap/drug me, then torture me so I'd know the pain he felt at my betrayal, and then we'd "go together" and die in each other's arms. Also decided he didn't really need this girl anymore, was gonna kill her. She escaped and went to the police. As far as the footage goes, it was confirmed that Alex did mail a envelope just like the one delivered to our mailbox recently. SO.... he is in custody now. **tl;dr:** Mom was pursuing protection order, made sure police will cooperate now. He sent photos of dead, mutilated animals in mail. Is on footage from post office probably mailing it. Not enough evidence to get him. Then he fucked up. Made creepy posts on facebook. His current girlfriend confronted him. He confessed he was gonna kidnap, torture, and kill me then himself. Decided he was probably dispose of her too. She fled, went to police. He's in custody now. **THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP** **DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7**